The Reverend Harold Camping is predicting the rapture and the end of the world at 6 PM on May 21. He made the same prediction back in 1994, but blamed its failure to materialize on a math error he made in his calculations. I assume the good reverend failed the state standardized test for mathematics. He should have hired me to develop an Excel model to do the number crunching for him. I guarantee results.
For those of you who are not lifted to heaven by the rapture, here are some useful links and information:
Many of you have pets and it would be a shame if all they find of you after 6 PM on Saturday are the clothes you were wearing when you were vaporized, so please do the responsible thing and register your furry companion for post rapture care:
Let’s face it – we are a car culture in LA. There is a high probability you will be parked by a meter when the event occurs….and boy, are parking tickets expensive! That’s why you need the city’s parking gold card. You don’t want to face the final judgement with unpaid tickets on your record. The gold card: don’t leave life without it.
Massive earthquakes are expected to usher in the rapture. You can expect crevices to open up and swallow motor vehicles. Well, don’t worry. The city has already announced a pothole repair blitz for the weekend of June 4-5. Just call 3-1-1 to report needed repairs to your street. Of course, the number may have to be changed to 6-6-6.
We can expect total devastation in some parts of the city. It might be welcome in some areas such as Laurel Plaza in the East Valley. Nevertheless, follow this link to the CRA for information on redevelopment. Ask for Chris.
Lastly, I know many of you will be concerned about the state of our local government. Rest assured, the Antichrist will be sworn in as the new mayor and the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse will replace the City Council. We can expect responsible governance.
You’ll still be able to reach all of our current elected officials – they will not be impacted by the rapture.